is it me or does everyone else with ataxia get angry at themselves when something happens unintentionally?
Let me elaborate several situations:
- Stair climbing: About two weeks ago, I was coming upstairs from my basement and raged at myself for stepping up, then stepping down on the first step. This seems very weird, but I also nearly toppled over! I raged and insulted myself! I had to do a “hairpin” turn to go up the stairs. I could offer myself a solution (hot damn, I am a self-starter!) to stop and “realign” my body before I go up the stairs. Because I go around the corner and start go up, so I better stop and take a second to consider the holes in the wall before I start to climb. That would solve that rage, but what about…
- Front porch: I have countless times tried to enter my house with grace and dignity of a home-owner, yet to befuddle myself just walking up the front step! I would walk up at my usual pace, and then, not stopping, raise a foot to place on the step, and then I might tip that way or lean that way? Why? I didn’t turn or anything like that, I just raised my foot. Could that action actually cause my equilibrium to say “Screw you!” and leave me! Perhaps I should stop and consider the front door before stepping up? I’ll try that!
- Dropping butter: Turning to a different subject, earlier this week I insulted myself when I was adding margarine to my son’s instant noodles. The knife was cold, and I scooped out a dollop from the tub, but instead of going into the hot pot, the margarine decided it would be better on the floor! I raged a bit, and took out another dollop, this time it went in the pot! I’ve done the same time with margarine not going into the frying pan, but the glass-top stove, when I did eggs. Why does it do that? Did I miss or forget something from home-ec classes I took almost 35 years ago? Margarine seems to have a mind of its own, but that is nothing compared to…
- Dropping a knife: One day in early October, I was home alone and making something to eat. I can’t recall exactly, but apparently I dropped the harmless knife not once, or twice, but four times! If I were to look back at that day and see what I was making, I would tell you that I can’t remember! Was it even a knife? I could have been a spoon? But what befell (pun intended) was my rage! On the fourth time, I was so annoyed and upset with myself that I smashed the blameless utensil into the cupboard with enough force that I had a reminder of the assault for several hours! The cupboard did not cry, nor did the utensil… I went on with my day!
I’ve been known to hurl things: be them utensil, pens, my phone, a remote, brooms, hammers (watch out!), the mouse to my laptop (BTW, I can’t find it now!) and other things, because I cannot get them to function in the manner they are supposed to. Or perhaps it is “Make Craig Rage” day! Why does this happen? Does it happen to you?!